I hate the whole idea of having to plan my schedule, thinking of what to buy, what to do, how should I go about doing it.
Or perhaps just the idea of having to grow up? It sucks though.
Like right now, I have to settle my own bank account, make my own meals ( which I actually quite enjoy doing it) , decide on whether I should hang out with my friends or study or just stay at home.
From the moment I wake up, i have to make thousands of decisions.
Yes, it is good to be in charge of your own life but sometimes I hope that everything will be planned out for me. But then again, what would life be if everything is laid out for you.
Idk I guess I changed.
I lost the drive to take the initiative to plan an event. Maybe because I'm scared of getting into conflict with others. I detest the need to explain my actions. I don't have a very good temper. What is becoming of me? Should I just die down and drown the "super enthu in planning outing" self and just be a plain jane?
I was the chairperson of my class for one sem, yet I did not plan any outing.
Till now I'm still blaming myself though.
What is my passion? What are my goals? So many questions left unanswered. What should I do now? Who should I talk to? Who can help me to find myself? What is 'myself'? I need guidance. I need my parents, I need my brother. They haven't been there for me since primary 3. I have been relying on my own judgement and decisions to get to where I am right now.
I'm lost. I lost the motivate to fight on. Because there is nothing for me to fight. What should I do now? Can anybody enlighten me?
What is important to me? Am I studying the correct course? Is this what I will be doing for the rest of my life? The sudden urge of just burying myself under my blanket and cry for nothing.
The past, my mistakes, my wrongs, the conflicts, misunderstanding.
Every single day they are haunting me. Today I'm exceptionally weak. Negativity 1, CE 0.
I'll be fine in a few minutes' time. I just need a breather. I am happy honestly. I'm just kinda lost. Do you get those kind of feelings too?
Nope I'm still not crying. Maybe because I learnt not to give a damn to anything. Or maybe because I'm too emotionally strong. Or maybe because I'm just numb to this mundane life of mine.
At first, we pour ourselves into every event so that we may learn. That is not wrong.
ReplyDeleteThen, as we grow, and our circle of life and its corresponding responsibility grows, we really cannot do everything. The key is to identify carefully what causes are worth giving your utmost efforts.. then give it.
Jia You!
How do you identify what causes are worth my efforts? Do I go by the benefits that I will get from it? If so, which of the three ; experience or money or happiness ; are the most important? What is your passion and how did you discover it?
DeleteHappiness!
DeleteBut of course happiness here does not mean blind hedonism. Happiness is not just fun.
My post on happiness here : http://raymondchng.wordpress.com/2012/08/16/true-happiness/
But another way to evaluate is to base on values. In all things we do, we can evaluate on the three points of "Beauty", "Gain", "Good".
Beauty refers to aesthetics and mostly involves the contributions to culture. Are we contributing to a culture of peace, love, compassion or are we contributing to the culture of violence, materialism, egoism?
Gain refers to things like money. Is there enough returns. Money to support livelihood and giving family a comfortable lifestyle?
Good is whether there is benefit to our community. Are we hurting people or the environment? Or are others' lives improve because of our efforts?
Most things have varying degree of each of these values. It is about balancing them. It is no good earning big money, help people live comfortable, but contribute to selfish behavours. It is also no good to create wonderful art, enrich people's soul but don't earn enough to put food on the dining table.
But the basis is always through our efforts to balance, develop a self that is true happiness. One that is not dictated by our environment, but fueled by an indomitable character core.