A little break from working on the powerpoint slides

Just when I thought that tonight really sucked, Sam just messaged me prolly the sweetest validation that I needed so much right now. It's really tears of relief/joy I guess. Because he noticed the hurt/brokenness that I'm feeling even though I didn't say much to him about anything.

Nobody really sees how badly I'm struggling internally because even when I cried in class, I pulled myself together and face my project mates to continue the discussion. Simply because I believe that despite being super emotional, I shouldn't let my emotions get in the way.

People always tell me that I'm strong, am I really that strong? I don't know. Sometimes I wonder why am I so hard on myself. Why am I always expecting so much out of myself, doing too much for others. Planning for them etcs, very very much at the expense of my own health, money, happiness and time.
Brennan always remind me that we shouldn't expect anything in return from a person when we are doing something for them. How true yet how difficult for someone like me to comprehend the whole idea of it. I'm not capable of unconditioned love. I know I'm not because I love myself too much to settle for anything that wouldn't give back anything to me. I'm selfish and I don't like the feeling of the continual investment of time, effort and love with no returns.

I barely have time for anyone anymore. It's all about projects dance projects dance, grades, dance. I'm drifting away from my best friends. It sucks when I know that something changed and all I can do is just watch it drift away from me because I'm helplessly tied down with my commitments and responsibilities.
It even sucks more when I received a sarcastic remark from you. Or maybe it's because of the appearance of somebody that made everything changed? I don't know what happened between us. What made you feel like I don't need you in my life. It's because of him right? I don't know how to reach out to you when I'm so busy, I don't and it's hurting me so badly to know that you're like this again.

Maybe I need more time to adapt to the whole growing up thing. There are people out there who are suffering more than me. And what I'm going through is perhaps just 1 out of 10 of what they are going through. Although it doesn't make it any easier to bear with all these craziness killing me inside out, but at least I'm grateful and thankful to be alive. Thankful to be able to laugh about lame stuffs with my classmates when I'm feeling so stressed in the midst of the crazy period of report submissions and presentations.

Grateful to be going through pain in order to appreciate life even more.