Confused. Ended a htht conversation with Edwin and I still feel like crap. I realized talking to anybody doesn't help me to feel better. I don't know what else can make me feel better.
All these commitment is taking it's toll on me.
Am I simply not good enough to juggle everything? Cause it seems like it.
No matter who I spoke to, the conclusion of the conversation is the same.
"I'm worrying too much, I'm giving myself unnecessary stress, I'm burnt out from juggling with all the commitments, I'm doing fine in studies and in life, I'm good, I have nothing to worry about."
Often the above conclusion leaves me with no other choice but to keep mute and act fine because any more rebuttal from me would just act as a prove and further emphasis even more on how much I am over worrying about everything when there's in fact nothing for me to worry about.
Here I am, trapped inside the four walls hearing the echos of my sobbing. I'm so lost. I'm hoping that I can find some solution to make myself feel better, to let go this negativity.
What is stopping me from accepting the reassurance from others, why am I not accepting the validation.
Maybe it's because they don't see how much I'm struggling and how inefficient I am. Or how I'm taking things a little too easy in school, how I'm taking it for granted that straight As will appear on my result slips that I don't quite bother to put in so much effort into school anymore.
Am I taking things for granted? I'm not that good as what they think I am. I'm not. Can't they see how afraid I am, how afraid I am to lose myself in the midst of power and responsibility. What if I'm changing into somebody that I used to be in the past? Why can't they just see things from my perspective and see how everything is falling apart and I'm helplessly shouting for help.
What exactly do I need to be saved from?
What's wrong. What am I doing with my life.
Somebody help, anybody.
Oh the irony when I know exactly that I'm the only person that can save myself from all these. I need to accept the validation and reassurance. But I'm not.
It's not that I don't want to put in any more effort, it's just I'm so tired of everything and i lost the strength to keep going. It's like I have lost my fighting spirit and motivation, I lost my sense of direction in life.
No one changes to what they are in the past. Every incident and occurrences evolve us as a person.
ReplyDeleteFear of "power and responsibility"? hmm.. they will ALWAYS exists. You know how frightening it is as a teacher knowing every word you say have to potential to affect a student for life. But courage is not the absence of fear.
Have courage. Cheers!